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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 58
The Mafia Gazette Issue 58 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Friday 25th November 'EDITOR OFFERS REWARD FOR INFORMATION ' The editor of the Mafia Gazette, CarmelaDeAngelis-Giunta is offering an unprecedented amount of money for information leading to the identity of a killer. Earlier today Furio-Giunta was shot dead in Los Angeles following several visits to local hospitals in three different cities. A mystery assailant appeared to be stalking the husband of the editor, firing on him sometimes within minutes of him setting foot on the streets, following him from city to city as he endeavoured to outwit his attacker. Carmela is offering anonymity to the attacker if they step forward and give reason for the killing. If the assailant refuses to give this information within 12 hours of this issue of the Gazette going to print, a reward of five hundred thousand dollars is being offered for definitive evidential proof of the identity of the killer. If the killer has already been killed themselves, the family is asked to step forward with any reasons known for the attacks. It is not known at this time whether further rewards will be offered if no information is forthcoming, however it is hoped that the person responsible will step forward to honour the request before the reward has to be offered. 'A BLOODLINE OF CELIBACY COMES TO AN END ' By: Miguel For the past three days, I’ve been sitting in my luxurious Vegas home, waiting for a reply to a very important question. The person I chose to answer said question was away for a short time, but I knew they would be back quickly enough. So I secluded myself, refusing to answer my mail, answer my phone or show my face in public for anything less than a good reason. However, I now have the answer and I would like to announce that I, Miguel, will soon be the luckiest man to walk the streets of Mafia. As only the second member of my lineage to do so, it’s big step but on November 22, I asked bluebel for her hand in marriage. Today, when she returned, she happily accepted, instantly bringing a permanent smile to my lips. Although a highly public individual with my midget and goat exploits, not to mention the odd woman from time to time, I decided that if anyone was going to help me calm down, it was bluebel. That being said, she is marrying me for me so she know what I am, and has consequently chosen to love me despite my long list of fetishes. For that, I would like to officially announce that our nuptials will be done publicly, so everyone is invited to stop by as we dot the I’s and cross the T’s, marking the start of a new life together. I can’t express in words how happy I am right now to have bluebel in my life, but I know that she will help me find them soon enough. If you are interested in a VIP invitation to the festivities, please let me know ASAP so we can get our ducks in a row. Miguel – No longer Mafia’s most eligible bachelor. 'THE NEW AGE OF BARS ' By: Edward Elric In this day and age where we have trains and planes to travel we can go to the city our favourite bar is in whenever we want and enjoy our favourite drink. Well we don’t have to anymore, A Man by the name of State_Alchemist has invested and so far is successful in his new idea, the travelling bar. It is similar to a train cabin except it travels down the very streets we walk. Imagine, instead of having to fork over cash to travel and get your favourite drink if a bar is right outside of your place of business. Only time will tell if this new bar will work. 'DAHL HOUSE…ONE DOLL’S POINT OF VIEW ' TieDomi…how did one guy get so damn cool? I’m not cool enough to even fathom his coolness. I once talked to Tie’s brother’s best friend’s sister’s hairdresser…just hoping Tie’s coolness would rub off. Sadly, it didn’t . But I know a guy that works with someone that once sat on a bus across from a woman that passed Tie on the street…I’m going to try talking to her next. Lexicon…one of the most respected family lines in the community. Even her daughter was shocked at the public outcry from Lexicon’s murder. If you ever had the privilege of talking to her, you know she was funny, intelligent, respectful, with a mischievous sense of humour. You will never find anyone that would say a bad word about her (except for blanche…and she doesn’t count…because she’s a moron…a dead moron at that). Rest in peace cuppy cake…you will be missed by many. CarmelaDeAngelis…hard working, with a thankless job. Next time you don’t like the content of the newspaper, don’t bitch…submit a friggin article. Oh, and maybe you can pay Carmela for her time reading the drivel that you wrote. And send her a Thank You card while you’re at it. My final thought…if you don‘t like mauve…stop letting me paint your toe nails that colour. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand and will be paid for. Normal articles will receive $5,000 and outstanding items will receive $10,000. '